The Manhattan Essential presents: The Lower East Side

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Your fearless friends at the Manhattan Essential (all rights reserved, accept no substitutes) endeavor to bring you, fortunate visitor to the City of the Isle, an accurate and utterly unbiased view of our fair city. In addition to our own keen observations, The Manhattan Essential also provides tidbits and asides from the Metropolitan Police, our faithful friends at the Church & State and (of course!) the advertisers that sets ink to our veins and fire to our purpose.

The Lower East Side

Venture south of 14th Street and the bold visitor can enjoy the multicultural bounty that makes fair Manhattan great. A dozen languages can be heard here, amid colorful neighborhoods that would not seem out of place in Constantinople or Kingstown or even socialistic Chicago. Visit the local grocer, shop along newly-renovated Mulberry Street and take in an afternoon show at the Magnus Theater. Business and pleasure for the adventurous await at either end of each and every street!

Marvel at local ingenuity as the East Side inhabitants gather fire escapes and overarching pipe systems into skyways, dead useful for the busy traveler. Walk without risk of stepping in offensive offal, as the bright-eyed lads of the city’s sanitation crews wage unceasing war against disorder. Tip your cap to the gallant and incorruptible men of the Metropolitan Police; each would lay down their life to protect the least of your parcels.

Conduct your commerce with utter confidence, as each and every sewer grate has been locked and warded behind cages of blessed steel. Your city and church stand by with prayer and pistol should the troubled realities of our time rear their ugly heads.

Pay no attention to hysterical claims of organized crime–the syrup of the pulp and dagger of the anarchist, we assure you. Jonathan Barnes is no murderous peddler of Larcanum acid (the supposed witch-kissed opiate that exists purely in the minds of lamentably-imaginative newspaper editors) but a humble businessman, as forthright as you and yours, humble Reader.

It is recommended that those venturing south of 14th Street after dark travel in groups and be alert. While the district remains safe, it can be easy to get lost amidst the urban splendor. Those that wander into the Bowery are advised to seek high ground and shriek for assistance until the Army arrives.

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